Jokes

Some new ones contributed by Don B.:

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."


A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."


While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"


Here are some from Don R.:

Subject: FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENTS

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:


On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" Flight Attendant crew, the Pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your Flight Attendants. "


On landing, the Stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."


There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"


"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."


After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a Flight Attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."


From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."


"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."


Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."


"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."


"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."


And from the Pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best Flight Attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"


Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt lake City: The Flight Attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the Airline's fault, it wasn't the Pilot's fault, it wasn't the Flight Attendant's fault. It was the asphalt."


Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"


Another Flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing. "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."


An Airline Pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The Airline had a policy which required the First Officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our Airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the Pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"


After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."


Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."


A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" -- Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the Flight Attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"


Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."


Rules of Flight

Keep the aeroplane in such an attitude that the air pressure is directly in the pilot's face. - Horatio C. Barber, 1916

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten. - Robert Livingston, 'Flying The Aeronca'

The only time an aircraft has too much fuel on board is when it is on fire. - Sir Charles Kingsford Smith, sometime before his death in the 1920's

Just remember, if you crash because of weather your funeral will be held on a sunny day. - Layton A. Bennett

I hope you either take up parachute jumping or stay out of single-motored airplanes at night. - Charles A. Lindbergh, to Wiley Post, 1931

Never fly the 'A' model of anything. - Ed Thompson

Never fly anything that doesn't have the paint worn off the rudder pedals. - Harry Bill .

Keep thy airspeed up, less the earth come from below and smite thee. - William Kershner

Instrument flying is when your mind gets a grip on the fact that there is vision beyond sight. - U.S. Navy 'Approach' magazine circa W.W.II.

The Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. - Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. - Bob Hoover

It occurred to me that if I did not handle the crash correctly, there would be no survivors. - Richard Leakey, after engine failure in a single engine
aircraft. Nairobi, Africa, 1993.

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it. Ride the bastard down. - Ernest K. Gann

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 feet and Climbing. - Sign over the entrance to SR-71 operations, Kadena AB Okinawa

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. - Paul F. Crickmore

The emergencies you train for almost never happen. It's the one you can't train for that kills you. - Ernest K. Gann, advice from the 'old pelican'

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you. - Richard Herman Jr., 'Firebreak'

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1972

An airplane might disappoint any pilot but it'll never surprise a good one. - Len Morgan

To most people, the sky is the limit. To those who love aviation, the sky is home.

A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the "glass cockpit" of an A-320. "Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV."

It only takes two things to fly -- airspeed and money.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to break wind and head into the ground.

The difference between flight attendants and jet engines is that the engine usually quits whining when it gets to the gate.

A copilot is a knot-head until he spots opposite direction traffic at 12 o'clock, after which he's a goof-off for not seeing it sooner.

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

I give that landing a "9" . . . on the Richter scale.

Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing attempt: "You've got to land here son, this is where the food is."